Revising the wording of Creatures and NPCS

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Grahf
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Revising the wording of Creatures and NPCS

Postby Grahf » Fri Sep 07, 2018 8:18 am

Some of the writing here doesn't quite give the right feel for the game or could use a bit or tweaking so I've been going through and working on it as I level my character. I have tried to keep the feel the original authors intended and tried to preserve as much of the original writing I could rather than a complete rewrite. Hopefully these can help improve the game.

I'm open to any further grammar or wording corrections on these, I'm just posting what I've come up with. :D


Auntie Bettina original:

She's looking a lot less...lively now days, what with the no hair thing going on and the ragged clothing just about falling off of her bones. A red glow emits from the sockets where her eyes should have been. With very little skin and much more bones she's a fairly grisly sight. She holds in her grasp quite possibly the only in-tact item on her, a walking stick.

Auntie Bettina revised:

Auntie Bettina's last remnants of hair cling to her weathered scalp, and her empty eyes glow with a haunting red light. Only fragments remain of her clothing, which now barely adorn what is left of her rotting corpse. Through it all, she still grasps her walking stick. A talisman for the life she once led.


Wil-o-the-Wisp original:

A small floating orb of energy it pulses through a myriad of colors. Once it settles on a particular color it is all set to attack anything that gets near it or in its way. The wisp has little thought process and is believed to be, simply, the emotions of the visitors that has coalesced into something dangerous by the pervasive darkness.

Wil-o-the-Wisp revised:

The wisp appears as small orb of energy that pulses through a myriad of alternating colors before you. It's believed they are created from the emotions of visitors that are then coalesced into something dangerous by the pervading darkness. When the pulsing colors stop, it will attack anything nearby.


Snake Original:

A silent predator, this creature lies in wait behind a rock, a log, or even just nestled down in a small pile of brambles or tall grass. Then, it strikes. Without warning. This slender snake can strike up its own body if necessary.

Snake Revised:

This silent predator lies in the underbrush, waiting for a chance to strike its prey without warning. Although not venomous, its sharp teeth are more than enough to land its next meal.


Frog Original:

This frog is bigger than any regular frog. It's bright green with an orange belly and stands as tall as a small dog, and its tongue has a four foot reach. The frog could take down a crow, and is eyeing you hungrily. A frog is slightly wounded.

Revised Frog: (the bit about it being the size of a small dog and eating the crow makes it seem like this frog is far too small to be able to eye you hungrily, as a crow is very, very much smaller than a person):

The bright green Frog has an orange belly and is the size of a large dog. It's long tongue is perfect for snatching up prey at a distance. The Frog eyes you hungrily.


Bull frog original:

Freakishly large for a frog, this amphibian's croak is loud enough to be heard miles away and what he eats...well. Pretty much anything that can fit down his throat becomes his food.

Bullfrog revised:

Incredibly large for a frog, this amphibian's croak is loud enough to be heard from miles away. Due to its size, it eats anything it can fit in its mouth.


Copperhead original:

Chestnut colored with dark brown bands that crisscross the length of its body, this snake is not something to be trifled with. It has a strong bite and its small body is muscled enough to constrict its chosen prey to death. A copperhead is perfectly healthy.

copperhead revised:

The large snake is chestnut colored with dark brown bands that crisscross the length of its body. It has a powerful bite, and its muscled form can constrict its prey until death.


Forest Bandit original:

Wearing a green cape over his armor so that he blends in easier with the trees, he attacks travelers and steals their possessions...and their life. On his belt two letters are carefully worked into the leather and they read, "B" and "S". A forest bandit is seriously wounded.

Forest Bandit revised:

The Forest Bandit wears a green cape over his armor to blend into the surrounding forest. Using stealth and cunning he then ambushes travelers, often stealing their lives and possessions as if they were one and the same. On his belt are two letters carefully worked into the leather that read, "BS".


Blackweave Arachnid original:

Large and black, this eight legged arachnid stands at waist height on a human. A nasty looking liquid drips to the ground from its fangs and while its smaller cousins require a web to hunt, this spider no longer has need of such a thing as it hunts much...larger game.

Revised blackweave arachnid:

Large and black, this eight legged arachnid is half as tall as you. Although smaller species require a web to hunt, a nasty looking liquid drips from its fangs. It appears this spider found a better way to hunt large prey...


Angry Poltergeist original:

Nearly formless, this ghost is of the more playful variety. Unfortunately the Awakened Corpse walked through it and really made it angry, to the point that it now has a very red aura around it, making it clearly visible to anyone and everything in the cemetery. An angry poltergeist is seriously wounded.

Angry Poltergeist revised:

Nearly formless, this spectral creature is typically of the more playful variety. Unfortunately something appears to have enraged this one, causing an ominous red aura to surround it. Its fury is now clearly visible to all those who walk the cemetery grounds.


Ghotsly child original:

Long since dead, this small child now shambles horrifically through the cemetery having been called into service by the pervading darkness. While in life he may have been an innocent, now his eyes are lit with evil and the smile he bears holds a degree of malice no normal child should bear. In his hands he carries the toy he was once buried with; a red and green wooden yo-yo.

Ghostly Child revised:

The pervading darkness has called this long dead child into its service. His ghostly eyes now hold a level of evil and malice no child should bear. Once innocent in life, his small form now shambles horribly through the cemetery clutching the toy he was once buried with.


Awakened Corpse original:

With his long hair and tattered clothing it's obvious that he's been dead for quite some time, long enough for his coffin to break down and the earth surrounding it to cover the corpse with dirt that now falls off in clumps as it moves.

Original awakened corpse attack:

An awakened corpse attacks you with his clump of dirt and misses!

Awakened Corpse attack revised:
I would use Boney Fingers, or boney claws, or rotting claws, or anything other than a clump of dirt really…

Awakened Corpse revised:

With its sparse hair and tattered clothes, it's obvious this
corpse has been dead for quite some time. Clumps of dirt and bits of the rotten coffin it was buried in fall from its body as it shuffles through the grounds.


Ragged Corpse original:

His face is no longer identifiable, the skin flapping against bone in places. The clothing he wears is ragged, shredded, and singed in places. He holds only a jagged piece of wood in his hands. His eyes are filled with misery even as he readies to, yet again, attack more of the innocents that come down here.

Ragged Corpse revised:

The Ragged Corpse's face is no longer identifiable due to the extreme state of decomposition he is in. The skin has begun to fall from his bones and his tattered clothing barely covers what is left. His eyes are filled with misery even as he grips a jagged piece of wood and advances toward you.


Wandering spirit original:

Her form is hazy and her legs don't touch the ground. A pale yellow aura surrounds her as she wanders through the cemetery and her shriek can send even the mightiest creatures scurrying in terror. A wandering spirit is wounded.

Wandering Spirit revised:

The Wandering Spirit's yellow aura surrounds her hazy form as she moves through the cemetery. Barely corporeal, she floats above the ground in search of something once lost. Her horrible shriek causes all but the mightiest creatures to flee, and you are filled with dread at the sound.


I will add more as I come across them. Please let me know what you think!

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NiteHawk
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Re: Revising the wording of Creatures and NPCS

Postby NiteHawk » Fri Sep 07, 2018 8:46 am

That's pretty cool. If you're actually interested in writing for the game or helping improve current descriptions but more publicly (aka working with build but just for writing if that's your likings) let me know. In any case I'll poke Lat here.

Also if your good at item descriptions I do need basic ones for example on the copper rings (of life/mana/health).

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Grahf
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Re: Revising the wording of Creatures and NPCS

Postby Grahf » Fri Sep 07, 2018 9:59 am

Sure! I'll PM you.

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Kruell
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Re: Revising the wording of Creatures and NPCS

Postby Kruell » Fri Sep 07, 2018 2:03 pm

That is a thankless job that is difficult to do without stepping on toes. Still, great job. I'm kinda glad none of my monsters made your rewrites but you haven't hit the level to ding me yet. :P

Seriously though, even the best builders get tired of coming up with descriptions for everything and we have all had our "It's a freaking TOAD!" moments. We welcome anyone who can make things better. Take a look at the monster attack messages too. Sometimes we just word things wrong or it looks much worse in action than in the file.
If you look like prey you will be eaten

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Grahf
Posts: 52
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Re: Revising the wording of Creatures and NPCS

Postby Grahf » Fri Sep 07, 2018 3:32 pm

Kruell, I understand completely!

I strongly believe that being creative is far more important than being grammar-wise. You can take anyone who has taken an advanced English course and they can correct someones grammar. But to be able to create something from nothing is much more difficult. So that said, I hope I don't step on any toes! I just want to help the game succeed and that means polishing the fine details.

So creators, please keep creating!

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daedroth
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Re: Revising the wording of Creatures and NPCS

Postby daedroth » Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:22 am

Nice work aye :)
Disclaimer: Any ideas I come up with may not even meet my approval. I am just posting an idea based on the topic I have just read.
I love sheep.


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